Pope Shocked to Discover Jesus's Original Crown of Thorns is Actually Made of Bitcoins

The Vatican, December 1, 2021: The Catholic church was rocked today by the discovery that Jesus Christ's crown of thorns is constructed entirely of a rare, early form of Bitcoin.

Archivists at the Vatican Library made the shocking find while digitizing old texts. "We weren't sure at first, but analysis of the material confirms it's from the correct time period and location, and composed of the right elements to be plausible Bitcoin," said lead archivist Dr. Maria Calabri. "This radically changes our understanding of Christianity's origins."

The crown of thorns is one of the church's holiest relics, believed to have been woven from branches of the Israeli hawthorn bush and placed on Jesus's head before his crucifixion. However, tests show its composition to be consistent with a rare unplugged hardware wallet from around 30-33 AD, capable of holding some of the earliest Bitcoin ever mined.

Scientists estimate the crown contains keys to roughly 50-100 Bitcoin, worth over $1-2 billion at today's prices. "If verified, this would be the single largest hoard of original Bitcoin found to date, shedding invaluable light on the development and spread of the early Christian faith," said cryptocurrency expert Andreas Antonopoulos.

However, some Catholics have raised objections to the findings. "This contradicts church doctrine and tradition. The crown of thorns is a religious symbol, not a economic one," said Bishop Franco Graziano. There is a possibility the Vatican may dispute the analysis or conclude it has uncovered a forgery.

The revelation has also sparked debates over the ethics of profiting from religious artifacts. As the digital currency continues its ascent in value and influence, the story of Bitcoin's strange encounter with Jesus at the crossroads of faith and finance emerges as a profoundly strange yet significant moment in history. But its ultimate meaning remains shrouded in mystery, much like the secrets of the crown itself.