Pope Cancels Sunday Mass To Stream Himself Day Trading Meme Stocks

Vatican City - In an unexpected announcement today, Pope Francis announced that he would be canceling public Sunday Mass in order to focus on day trading stocks of viral internet memes. According to the Pope, "The potential profits from trading these assets during their exponential growth phases are simply too compelling to ignore."

The news sent shockwaves through the Catholic world, as Sunday Mass is one of the most sacred traditions of the faith. However, some clergy and parishioners expressed support for the Pope's entrepreneurial spirit and willingness to take calculated risks.

The Pope shared that he has been studying meme market movements closely in order to time the peaks and valleys of assets like Grumpy Cat, Success Kid, Distracted Boyfriend, and others. "If I can successfully trade these memes, the financial resources could finally solve the Vatican's long-struggling budget deficits." However, critics argue the move is inappropriate and sets the wrong priorities for the leader of the Catholic Church.

When asked if there are any meme assets with particularly promising growth potential, the Pope cited "any meme with cross-generational appeal, simplicity, and a timeless underdog story." He shared that his holdings also include interest in niche meme sub-sectors like "wholesome memes," "programmer memes," and "ones that just make you laugh until you cry."

The announcement is just the latest in a series of unconventional decisions by Pope Francis that have both ruffled feathers and captured public attention. However, whether Christianity's oldest and most influential institution can survive this pivot to venture capitalism remains to be seen. The Pope urged patience, noting that "dramatic change often happens slowly, then all at once." Despite the controversy, Francis believes this new strategic direction will ultimately position the Church for future success in the post-truth era.