New FBI Report Proves Earth Is Actually A Giant Crypto Scam

WASHINGTON, March 7 - Shock waves reverberated through the crypto community today following the release of a classified FBI report. The document concludes that the Earth itself is little more than an elaborate conspiracy to generate profits from the Bitcoin blockchain.

"After a two-year investigation, we have found no conclusive evidence that a planet actually exists," announced FBI director Christopher Wray. "The so-called 'laws of physics' are inconsistent and liable to collapse at any moment. Meanwhile, continual 'mining' of the blockchain produces ever more Bitcoin from nothing, enriching a sinister cabal of crypto experts."

The report suggests that sensations like gravity, geography, and indeed all human experience are part of a elaborate crypto Ponzi scheme designed to perpetuate the myth of an operative planetary system. "It began as a good-faith experiment in 2008, but has since spun out of control," according to the FBI. "The entire history of humanity is fabricated for the purposes of Bitcoin generation and transfer."

Christian leaders were swift to condemn the findings, citing biblical proofs of Earth's existence. The scientific community also poured scorn on the report, highlighting mountains of evidence from physics, astronomy, geology and more. However, crypto proponents largely embraced the FBI's radical conclusions, seeing them as vindication of the movement's core principles.

The impact of the report remains unclear, though it has sparked both panic and pleased speculation in equal measure. Some have End Times prophecy, others see the chance for new blockchain-based world creation. Regardless of the true facts, one thing is sure: the crypto space will never be the same again. The truth, it seems, depends on who you trust. When the only certainty is Bitcoin, paranoia inevitably follows.