Area Man Gets Stuck Inside Computer Trying To Mine Crypto

Springfield - Local man Ted Swenson was rushed to the hospital today after becoming trapped inside his desktop computer while attempting to mine cryptocurrency. According to witnesses, Swenson was so focused on maximizing his crypto mining efficiency that he failed to notice his entire body disappearing into the CPU case.

Doctors report that Swenson's legs first became stuck in the fan blades, suffering severe lacerations, followed by his torso becoming jammed between the graphics card and power supply. His arms were found trapped under the CPU heatsink, and his head was lodged inside the computer case, causing minor blunt force trauma.

Swenson told reporters from his hospital bed that he had stayed up for 72 hours straight tweaking the settings of his mining software to squeeze out maximum performance. "I just got so caught up in the potential for higher hash rates and more crypto that I guess I sort of...forgot I was made of flesh and bone." Swenson's computer was found still running, with all processing power dedicated to mining the cryptocurrency Monero.

Authorities have issued a warning about the dangers of cryptocurrency obsession and uncheckedfocus on optimization at the expense of basic self-care. At a press conference, Fire Chief Interns remarked, "This unfortunate incident reminds us all to take periodic breaks from our passion projects and maintain awareness of the physical realities of human limitation."

Mining crypto can now apparently be added to the list of hazardous hobbies and activities that pose risks of losing limbs, organs, and even one's life. Ted Swenson's tragic tale has gone viral as a cautionary crypto meme, with the event now crudely dubbed "getting swindled" in some online circles. Swenson remains hospitalized, though doctors report his condition is stable, if considerably more limited in mobility and range of motion.

In a final statement, Swenson urged extreme crypto enthusiasts to "remember there's no blockchain after you're unplugged."