Area Man Begins Hoarding Food As His Crypto Coins Suddenly Gain 6000% Value

Springfield, December 1, 2021: Local resident John Doe became known today as the town's first 'cryptopreparationist' after he began hoarding emergency supplies at a rapid pace, convinced that the value of his crypto holdings will reach unprecedented heights.

According to Doe, his collection of obscure cryptocurrencies has seen gains of over 6000% in the past month alone. "It's just beginning! These coins are going to be worth literally billions per coin by this time next year," Doe claimed. In preparation, the 41-year-old has been purchasing and storing massive quantities of food, water, medicine, gold, and other survival gear.

Doe'sprepper peers have been suspicious of his motivations however, since the assets he's accumulating seem poorly suited for any real doomsday scenario. "Food has a shelf life, John. And how are you going to eat Bitcoin?!" asked one veteran survivalist. But Doe remains undeterred, convinced that when his crypto inevitably makes him the richest man in history, conventional prepping knowledge will be quaint relics of a primitive past.

Some have speculated Doe may be experiencing delusions or psychosis as a result of information overload and wishful thinking regarding finance. His friends and family have staged an intervention, to no avail. Doe continues to spend 16 hours a day monitoring crypto charts and handling logistics for a new storage unit large enough to house his hoard.

The story has become something of an obsession online, with debates raging over whether to dub Doe's extreme prepping 'cryptoprepperationism' or a symptom of a crypto-induced madness. Most agree this bizarre tale of finance, delusion, and disaster preparation heralds the dawn of a new kind of absurdity - with the potential for real-world chaos. The only thing left to decide is whether to laugh, cry, or stock up on canned goods just to be safe. The future, as always, remains crypto.